TEH TARIK SESSION IN SESSION

I had a great teh tarik session just now with my office mates. The place is a bit far from my place. Took me about one and half hour with the traffic jam. No jam, just half and hour, which is very rare. Why they chose that place, far from our office, I really don't know.

Teh tarik sessions, as usual, and in my opinion brings out our bragging nature. (No, I did not brag about filing my tax return naked, in case you are wondering.)

I was particularly interested when Mr HRI, told us about his hidden talent. He can do massage. (Not that kind of massage la. Traditional massage, okay.) We start to pay real attention to him. No talking, no nothing. We listened to his massage stories like a 3 year old kid lapping lollipop. Give him our fullest attention. He told us that he inherited this talent from his father who was a famous Bomoh (What is Bomoh in English? Anyone?)

He told us that the other thing that he's blessed with, is that he can performed tarik duit (money pulling. Is that correct?). All of us were of course, very interested. Well, here is this guy, offering a way out to paradise!. No more worries about the high petrol price. Goodbye to ever increasing tolls charges. Minimum credit card payment? ....WHAT MINIMUM CREDIT CARD PAYMENT?! And Hello!, Visit Malaysia Year, here we come.

Mr MA : So, how did you do it?

Mr. HRI : Can't tell you that, its the pantang (forbidden?). I cannot disclose it or my ilmu (magic kot) will fade away.

Akula : How much money you already tarik (pull, get.)

Mr. HRI : Man, I tell you, its soooo much that I loose count.

Mr MFMD : Lets cut to the chase. We are interested. When can we do it?

Mr HRI : Okay, this coming Friday night. That is 3 days from today. But, I really hate to tell you this, we have to have duit tangkal first about RM 1,000.00 (What is duit tangkal? I give up! Hate this translation shit!).

I just smiled and look at Mr BH. He winked at me. I understood the signal right away. And like a bunch of musketeers, we made a pact. 3 days from now, Friday night, we will meet again, plus RM 1,000.00.

Time to go home, everyone is smiling, fantasizing. Our financial trouble will be over soon. We stood up. Mr. BH (the one who winked at me) said in a loud voice.

Mr. BH : Hey HRI. Round table la.

Akula : Yeah man. Surely you can belanja us. This is nothing man, compared to the thousands of RM you tarik.

Mr. HRI was dumbstruck. And timidly said : Errrk.... I am just going to ask you to belanja me. I forgot to draw my money.

Mr. BH : Man, YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT!

We pooled our money with the other dumbstruck friends of ours and walk away.

I dont know about them but come Friday night, I wont be there.

UNCLE C AND HIS THAI WIFE

My dad, a shrewd person that he is, have a Chinese friend, Uncle C, who sells VCD and DVD (pirated ones la) in our hometown. He frequents his friend's stall religiously once a week. Until they became good friends. As good friends, of course, whenever my mum and aunties are in their mood of getting their emotional sense torn apart by Bollywood movies, my dad will buy it from Uncle C, with great discounts. That's why I said he is a shrewd person. Be friend with them, and they will give discounts.

Anyway, his friend have a problem. Wanted to marry a Thai. Don't know shit how to, though. That's where I came in the picture.

Akula's Dad : Akula, please help Uncle C. Go to Thailand with him. Settle his problem.
Akula : Hmm... OK. I will try.
Akula's Dad : No, No. Dont try. Do it.
Akula : Ok, Ok.

(I have to state a point here. We Malaysian deeply respect our parents and usually will not go against their wishes).

The reason my dad asked me was that I used to live in Thailand and I can speak Thai a little bit. That's what I was made to believe anyway.(However, I was more inclined to think somehow this must have something to do with the discounts that my dad enjoyed whenever he bought those VCD's from Uncle C). With that, I took a few days leave and off to Thailand with Uncle C and his young fiance.

We went to Uncle C fiance's village in Mae Sot, near Thai-Myanmar border, to meet up with her parents. Have to get the parents blessing. I asked Uncle C to bring gifts (read Singha Beer, locally made and a whole lot of it). The parents were happy and very accommodating.

After a simple religious ceremony with a monk solemnising the union, we went to the Local Municipality's office to register Uncle C's marriage.

Then, the father in law grab my hand and took me aside. I immediately sense something's up.

The father in law: Are you married?
Akula (*Thinking* Shit! I know this will happen): Forgive me, but why you ask me that, Sir?
The father in law: Well, if you are not, I have another daughter who I like to marry off.

I looked at his daughter. She's fair and pretty. Tempting. I wanted to say yes but took my time and glanced at jubilant Uncle C, who couldn't stop smiling, in love and surrounded by his wife's relatives. He looks so happy. Suddenly I felt pity for him thinking about what he will have to go through after this. So I lied.

Akula: Sir, thank you for your offer. But I can't. I am going to get married too. Next week.
The father in law: Well, in that case, mai pen rai (never mind).

On our trip back to Malaysia, I was thinking, why did I say no? She looks cool, and from my conversations with the family, she's a great person too.

The thing is, with Uncle C, he will be in deep shit. His wife have to apply for a visa to enter Malaysia. After that he need to make countless trips to the Immigration Office to get his wife a stay permit which during the process, he will make round trips to the border to have his wife's passport stamped for extended stay. The worse thing is, if Uncle C passed away before his wife, his wife have to go back to Thailand even though their children will be a Malaysian citizen. Applying to be a Permanent Resident? Sure, after 5 years. Applying for Malaysian citizen? Worst still. Cows will fly first. Its a very, very difficult process.

Me? Forget it. I am not a person who could go through that time and time again. No way. Not even for love.

E FILING LHDN

I did my tax return by e filing just now. Cant believed it was so easy. User friendly too. Took me about 10 minutes. And that's it. I would recommend everyone, (law abiding citizen that is, like me, :) to file your income tax return by Internet.

Beat the hassle of rushing to LHDN's office to drop your tax return form last minute anytime. As usual. Malaysian style.

The other thing that I like best about filing my tax return online, is that........ I did it naked, with a cig between my lips. Its for bragging la, what else. Those who post it, send it by hand, definately cannot top that.

And it's definately not illegal to be naked in your own dwelling......

A DINNER TO REMEMBER

MDB, a colleague of mine, asked me go to a dinner where he is scheduled to give a speech. Since I got nothing better to do on a Saturday night,(that's right) I agreed. (I want to stress one thing here. I don't do dinner function. I hate to dress up!) .

The dinner started great. Lots of good food, and I got to seat next to a pleasant looking lady with her charming girlfriend. Things are going well. I thought.

A few minutes gone by.I glanced to the other table, saw 2 batik wearing gentleman folding their arms and stared at their shoes, their spouses fidgeting in their seats . 5 minutes. I looked at the table across, a `dressed to kill' lady is busy playing with her shining gold bangles, showing it off to the blonde hair Malay lady next to her. Must be a Datin, I thought.

10 minutes. I noticed that the guests at next table started to look like zombie's from the Night of the Living Dead, eyes staring blankly at the flower decoration in the middle. 15 minutes had gone. MDB is still rambling about something. Strained my neck and looked at the 3 tables at the end of the hall. All of them `bukak kedai kopi', laughing and giggling softly, but loud enough to be heard.

Smiled again at the lady next to me. She did not response, and I noticed she kept on sending small signals to her friend.

Right then I realized something. No one was actually listening to MDB's speech and were doing their own things to make times fly. Including me. By observing other guests. This is one boring dinner and one long boring speech.

I cant wait anymore. Mumbled an excuse to the ladies, straightened my shirt and left the function. Colleague or no colleague. Felt a surge of relief once I got out from the function hall.

The next day, received a phone call from MDB. " Akula, where were you? I searched all over for you after my speech." I replied without hesitation. "DUDE, YOUR SPEECH REALLY SUCKS!"

CHANGES

Everyone changes.

9 years ago I couldn't care less about Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, where the hero, after the girl who admires him back off, lost his wife, and his daughter pulled an upset of reuniting the two together. Who didnt love the plot? My mum, my sisters, even my (I-who-does-not-cry) dad cried their eyes out. Me, I didn't. I thought that it was a cheesy movie.

Then came Devdas, whose father does not approve of his relationship with Paro and drink himself silly amids the love of the ever alluring Chandramukhi until his death at Paro's doorstep. Still I couldnt care less.

Then came Cinta and with its fast moving pace of intermingling personal difficulties and crisis, criscrossing one anothers path and a well thought ending, stab me deep straight through the heart and I surrendered to the story.

I am confused. I mean, I was moved by a movie, and a Malay movie for that matter. (I keep a visible distance from any modern Malay movie, they really sucks, okay). Thats very, very odd.

I guess, maybe its the natural progress of life. We mellowed down a bit, as we gain maturity.

Come to think of it, its only logical. Physically too, we are not the same as we were 10 years ago anyway.

A THANK YOU!

17 days since my first posting. As of now, a total of 409 visits has been made to this blog. I do appreciate you guys taking time to read my postings. I am really flattered by your attention and consider it as an achievement of sorts. Please accept the most humble thank you from a newbie who dont know shit about blogging. I am learning, slowly.....

OF EMERGENCY ROOMS

It was September 2005. I was working abroad at that time. In a first world country. Haven't been back to Malaysia for 9 years. Had this pain in my stomach on and off for 2 months. Worried? Nope. Not a bit. Didn't bother me. Until one night. The pain really struck me. Felt my belly bloated and full of angin. Pop up some diarrhoea medicine, thinking that it must be something I ate. No relief there. Getting worse by the minute. Went to the bathroom. Nothing. Really, really getting worse by the minute. Its 8.00 pm. Not in condition to drive. Called a taxi. `Haul ass man, get me to the emergency room'.

I REALLY CAN'T BELIEVED IT! The Emergency Room was closed. Closed at 8.00 pm sharp and on time. Shaking my head thinking, what kind of hospital is this? Pressed my stomach, walked real slowly to the hospital's duty attendant. "Sir, can you please tell me why the Emergency Room is closed?" The attendant replied "Sorry man, we have budget cuts, thats why its closed. Not just this one though. Every hospital in town closed exactly at 8.00 pm. To save administrative funds" I just blinked my eyes for a full minute, trying to digest this unexpected information. (No, I was not crying, okay). Doesn't make any sense at all. What am I to do now? Seeing my pathetic face, the attendant offered me an advice. "Looks like you have to tough it out tonight man". "TOUGH IT OUT? TOUGH IT OUT? I'M IN SERIOUS PAIN! HOW THE HELL YOU EXPECT ME TO TOUGH IT OUT!" I yelled at the attendant's face. Ummm... well, not exactly. First I was in pain. Secondly, the attendant is a tough, gym going, bald, black man. Yelling in his face? Not a good idea. So I went to the drugstore, bought some painkiller and tough it out through the night. It was not a good night.

The next morning I called all over town, checking wether there's an Emergency Room opened. I was in luck! The local university's hospital Emergency Room opened at 10.00 am. Rushed there immediately, struggled with extreme difficulty and was admitted right away. The doctor came, announced that he had a good news and bad news. Hmm okay. Bad news first. "I had to put my finger in your anus" Damm!. Okay, what's the good news? He smiled."I have small fingers" Damm! I felt so violated. And still in pain.

The doctor then proceed giving me a morphine drip to stop the pain and I was sure I said something like " Aaaaaaah...... so this is what it feels like" before slipping away from the world.

Woke up, did an ultrasound, signed some papers, and was taken to the operation room. 2 hours and my stones breeding gall bladder was taken out.

I remembered thinking, I really want to go back home. I want to live in the land where Emergency Rooms are open 24/7 and where the duty attendant is a young, sweet smiling, female.

I felt homesick.

I LOVE MALAYSIAN POLITICS

Watched a Government Minister whose also a party leader crying in Buletin Utama just now. If you missed it, with wet and damped eyes he said "Kalau dua hati sudah bersatu something.... (can't remember)" when interviewed about his hand shake with a rival leader. And then he crooned to the crowd. With his sunglasses on. Funny stuff.

Read about an ex TPM saying he's not in the fight to be PM. Tsk, tsk, how true. Funny stuff.

Read about a leader's wife saying that the opposition will received `their reward' from God for accusing her husband to be somehow involved with a high profile murder case. Funny stuff.

Remembered a recent issue on the destroyed highlands in Kelantan and how statements went back and forth between a Federal Minister and a State Exco as who is to blame. Blackmail was involved! Funny stuff.

Snap this pic when I was on vacation a week ago. Sure love to walk the aisle along these flags on the bridge rather than your usual standard military Arch of Sword. Funny stuff.

Saw clips of former Mat Rempits getting ready to jump over the North Pole. Noticed one of them, a huge guy, forgot to zip the lower part of his snow suit and did the jumping excercise. Very funny stuff. (Sorry no clips. THAT IS EXACTLY WHY YOU HAVE TO WATCH THE NEWS!)

Watched their leader being interviewed, huffing and puffing in his finest (and I am sure expensive) snow suits. He looks funny.

Seriously.

TO ALL THE GIRLS I LOVED BEFORE

Recently, I went to attend a conference in Perlis. In Putra Palace Hotel, Kangar. Where else? Its the only hotel in the whole of Perlis, excluding Rumah Tumpangan Ah Keong of course. Dont get me wrong, I love being in Perlis. Good and cheap seafood, plus its near the border. For SHOPPINGlah! What do you think? Went there to buy my Dunhill stocks. RM 45.00 per carton.

Anyway, I met a girl that once stole my heart. Attending the same conference. After the awkward "Hi how are you now? Cant believe meeting you here", both of us agreed to meet for dinner.

Well nothing happened, okay. We had a nice dinner and update each other of our lives. That's all. I am a firm believer that once a relationship is over, there's no need to have that I WILL KILL YOU, I HATE YOU attitude. Hey, its done. Get over it. As they say, life goes on. Its life's experiences. Be grateful that at least you have the opportunity to love and be loved.

The other day, I need to apply for a loan. Went to the `Bagusnya Bank Rakyat ni' and submit my application to another girl that I used to date whose working there. Yep, she's in the loan section. She approved it on the spot. Now, as I said, I don't have any grudges with my ex's. That's why I can have a civilise dinner with them, or in this case, my loan, promptly approved.

..............or could it be that she shooed me off out of her sight as quickly as she can because she still hate me? Hmm.....

WHAT I FOUND ON THE BEACH

.................A rented RM 2.00 tire tube or `pelampung'















....................Sandals














................Sands, of course.














........Dude with Kapchai on patrol looking for aweks














.............and my favourite. A group of Mak Cik huddling together enjoying their evenings wearing baju kurung. Half naked people are so out of style.

SUNRISE IN CHERATING

Here I am. In Cherating, Pahang. Planned this vacation forever. unlike my friend Mr. Hobo. I don't have the luxury of time to take loooong vacations. Have to work my ass off. (Hey! I am a working man, okay).

Its really hard to wake up from slumber in the morning................ A vacation morning. Working days, I wake up at 6.00 am and started my long days. Slaving myself for paychecks at the end of the month. I was thinking, why should I deprived myself from the pleasure of waking up a little bit late during my vacation days? I should stayed in my hotel bed, embracing and enjoying the serene moment of `just being lazy'.

Being the fool that I am, I groggily forced myself out of the bed. Gathered all my stuff. And cursed myself all the way there, all the while longed for my blanket, walked and stumbled through all those jotting tree roots. Sands clinged onto my sandals. I hate sands. Thought to myself. "This better be worth it".

Capturing the above scenes did make me feel great. And I'll do it again, only this time it will be during sunset. No more early morning shots. Too much struggle for an amateur like me. :)

TO START A BLOG

This is my 26th attempt to start a blog. For the last 2 years. Seriously. My last 25 attempt was a disaster. Can't decide on almost everything. Catchy headers? I am not in advertisement. Candy eyed background and layouts? I am not an artistic person. Interesting content? Not a writer. Don't know the difference of HML, HTML, XML either. With that in mind, please bear with me.

The photo above got nothing to do with this post, there's no story or reason why I put it there. Just thought it looks good on a black layout. Just let me stress one thing. Like it or not, its mine. C & C are not welcome.

Nasi lemak and nescafe tarik is a favourite breakfast dish. Might as well advertise it. In doing that, if it reminds you to have a healthy breakfast or to have a breakfast, I am already a satisfied person.