OF BOOKS

I received an email asking me what kind of books that I read.

The truth is, I dont know, I do not categorize books. For me as long it can command my interest, its a good book. Frankly, I will avoid putting up a post that contain a list down of whatever, but in this case since I was asked to, here it is. Books that I enjoyed reading.

1. My Side of History - Chin Peng

2. Che Guevara, A Revolutionary Life - John Lee Anderson

3. Foley Is Good - Mick Foley

4. Birds Without Wings - Lousie de Bernieres

5. Bridge on the Drina - Ivo Andric

I have to mention Pramoedya Ananta Toer's Buru Quartet too.

There.

SCAM 2 : THE F**KING NAZA KIA INSURANCE AGENT

I am pissed like hell.

Back in December last year I bought a new car from Naza KIA. Since it was at an offer price, I have to buy the insurance from the appointed company, which is a subsidiary of Naza itself. I thought everything is okay and taken care off. An open cover note for the car insurance was given to me by the insurance agent dated 18 December 2006. The company which covered my car is Kurnia. I tried to get discounts for my NCB (No Claim Benefit) from my old car but was promised that in two weeks they will sent a cheque for the difference.

5 months had passed.

Last week, I contacted my bank to enquire about the my car insurance policy and was told that they did not received any. I then called Kurnia and to my surprised my car registration number is not in their system.

I suspected something was wrong and asked about how the system works from a friend of mine who is also an insurance agent. He told me that the insurance agent (in this case the Naza KIA subsidiary) have to pay money to Kurnia first and only then Kurnia will sent in my policy. He also told me that since insurance agent will only earn 10% from the insurance they sell, what they will do is to book an insurance policy with Insurance Company and instead of immediately paying the company, they will hold the money with them and keep it with them first. This is a calculated act and the insurance agent hopes that the car buyer will forget about it since if the buyer claimed NCB, it means the insurance agent will get less. For example, my car insurance (first party) is about RM 2,000.00 plus. If I claimed NCB I just have to pay about RM 900.00. I dont remember exactly the percentage, but the bottom line I will pay less with the NCB and because of that the insurance agent will earn less too. 10% of RM 900.00 instead of 10% of 2,000.00. And usually they'll keep the money and will wait until the last moment of the stipulated expiry date before proceeding to pay Insurance Company what they owed.

Armed with this information, I called FS Trading in Ampang, the company which I bought my car from. I asked about my insurance policy and told them I contacted Kurnia, and my car registration is not in the system. I warned them if by Monday 28 my car is still not in Kurnia's system, I will make a police report and literally yelled at the lady, "I will f**k you in the ass". (Not that I like ass that much, its more a figure of speech, okay).

I didnt do anything until today. I called Kurnia HQ to lodge a complain. They passed me to a lady, Miss Rashidah in the policy department. I gave my car registration number and LO AND BEHOLD its in the system. I asked her when the policy was registered and she told me it was on Monday, May 28th! I then proceed to interview her. I asked her what the f**k is wrong with Naza KIA,its insurance subsidiary and Kurnia. She explained that since it was a promotion, the insurance agent only managed to send their cheques on Monday. I cut her off and told her how convenience it was for them (the insurance agent) to find time and pay the money for my car insurance first out of thousands of cars that was sold during the last 5 months periods. And the fact that it was paid right after I told FS Trading I will report this matter. I asked her on how long it will usually take to issue an insurance policy of a new car from the day its registered with JPJ. She told me it takes only about 2 weeks. I then sarcastically remarks, "Hmm..... then how come my car took 5 long months and the fact that if I didnt take the initiative, it still wont be in Kurnia's system". She just fumbled with her answers.

She offered to post my car insurance policy to my house and faxed the copy to me. I thanked her and told her that I will still report this matter to the police.

BTW, I received the fax copy of my car insurance policy in one hour's time. Oh well, thank you f**king much motherf**ker.

I will still go to the police station tomorrow.

SARAJEVO

Winter 1999. My crazy ass friend, Damir asked me one weekend. "Dude. what are you doing this Saturday?" I replied "Nothing man, but I planned to shovel my driveway" (which was packed with snow). "Why dont you follow me?" he said. "Where to?" I asked. "Sarajevo". The city I lived was Zagreb, Croatia and it's about 6 hours drive to Sarajevo.

A bit of history lesson here. Republica Sprska and Federation of Bosnia Herzegovina are 2 different political entities that made up Bosnia Herzegovina. You know the rest.

At that time, peace is still fragile and war in the Balkans could erupted again anytime. What the heck, I thought, I always wanted to go to Sarajevo.

So I said to Damir “Do you actually realize that you are a Croat and I am a Muslim?" He dismissed my concern right away and replied jokingly. “Yeah, yeah, I hate you and the Serbs, you hate me and the Serbs and the Serbs hate us both” I replied “Just making sure you are sane, man”. (To clarify, I dont hate Damir and Serbians)

Packing a few things, foodstuff in case we are going to be stranded, warm clothes since it’s winter we took off in his old Audi. I was concerned about our safety, since it was only just five years ago Serbs, Croats and Bosnian were at each others throat. But whatever worries I have I kept it to myself.

Luckily, nothing happened during the journey. I was overwhelmed to be in Sarajevo. Saw a lot of half standing buildings forever engraved with bullet holes. Damir drove us to his uncle’s place, a house that was already past its glory. “This is my uncle, and the wife is Serbian”. They invited us in and we were served local delicacies including the famous burek. I asked Damir if they lived by themselves. “2 sons were killed during the war, and a daughter migrated to Australia” I didnt know what to say to them and offered my condolences.

The next morning, Damir took me to Sniper’s Alley where running civilians were singled out and killed by snipers, the open air market where 66 Muslims and Serbs were killed by a shell and wounded 200 more while shopping for their daily groceries and the Holiday Inn Sarajevo where journalists camped and covered the war.

I met Serbians, Bosnian and Croats and every single one of them have stories to tell about the war. Translated by Damir, I just listened intently without saying anything.

On our way back to Zagreb, I told Damir that I couldn’t tell the difference between Serbian, Bosnians and Croat by looking at their faces. Damir sighed and said “Before the war, I can’t either” .

I was lost in my thought and felt overwhelmed by the experience. How could it be, here in Sarajevo, people of the same race, with the same physical appearances, speaking the same language, though differed in their religion mercilessly slaughter each other ?

I remembered being grateful that I am a Malaysian.

However, I also remembered thinking, if this happened in Malaysia with its 3 different major races, with contrasting physical appearances, and with each races practicing different religion, Sarajevo will definately be pale in comparison.

HOW TO GET MARRIED IN THAILAND 3

Sorry girls and boys. I forgot to mention one fact. Some of the mosques will give the marriage cert in Yawi (local malay language). And some will give it in Thai language. To be safe, get it translated before you register your marriage in Malaysia.

LIVING AND TRAVELLING MALAYSIA

I am running another blog `Living and Travelling Malaysia'. Its about advise and tips on how we as Malaysians view our world while interacting with foreigners, tourist and expat alike. If you like to contribute, you are more than welcome, just email me at blog.akula@gmail.com. If you expect me to pay for your entry, ermmm..........................sorry, naik lori. (Hahahah). No moneylah. The best I can do is add your blog as a link. If that is still not enough, sorry, naik lori, again.

Hobo dude , with his straight to your face factual sarcasm is on board. (Dude, where is it, man?)

Enough said.

I LOVE MALAYSIAN POLITICS 2

A politician best buddy drop a bombshell en route to the party General Assembly that he quits. And he will bring all his supporters out with him. Looks like they wont be tennis buddies anymore.

An aid to the same politician made a statement saying that ROS rejected the appeal by the politician to contest in the party election as an attempt by the government to deter the politician to be a candidate for the party presidency and in the same breath also stated that an appeal has been made to the Home Ministry. Hmmm.... its a bit odd isn't it? Go figure. Isn't Home Ministry a government's body? So why bother appealing the decision?

The politician announced that he decided not to contest against his wife, then the second candidate announced he's not contesting too and the wife won without even sweating. Truly remarkable. WOMAN'S POWER, dude!

HOW TO GET MARRIED IN THAILAND 2

The first part of this post deals with Muslim’s how to. Again, I am not available to be your guide.

The same story, you fall in love, you want to get married. Well, I forgot to mention that tips on the first post also applies to those who wanted to marry foreigners. Sorry, lupa la.

Anyway, first, get a declaration from the National Registration Department that you are single, nothing but single. The same goes for your other half. If you are a divorcee, it’s much easier. You can use the court order that nullifies your previous marriage.

When you are in Thailand, go to the Malaysian Embassy in Bangkok or The Malaysian Consulate in Songkhla and apply to register your marriage. The form should be the one which state, Pendaftaran Perkahwinan Luar Negeri (Registration of Marriage Overseas). Of course you have to bring all the necessary documents plus a doctor’s report saying you are free from HIV. (Just kidding). Next step, nothing. Its’s done. With that Marriage cert, you are covered legally in Malaysia.

Words of advise, this tips is as true as my knowledge goes. Do make an effort to enquire from the local Islamic Authority in your place and the National Registration Department for their latest regulations.

For those who wants to marry a foreigner, the process is a little bit different and right now I am too lazy to write about it. Next time lah. Okay.

Enjoy your honeymoon.

*lupa - forget

HOW TO GET MARRIED IN THAILAND

Please don’t blame me if your husband’s, wife’s, boyfriends, girlfriends, gayfriends and other people you know pack their bags and head to Thailand after reading this post. I will not accept any responsibility if that happen. And no, I am not available to be your guide.

How to get married in Thailand?. While working there, and in one of my balik kampong trip, my parents neighbor asked me this question, “Why you think they don’t want to put a stop to those who go to Thailand and get married there?” I don’t know how to answer that kind of question but offered an explanation. “Makcik, people will do anything for love, even merenangi lautan api, what more border fences” (Yeah I know, my reply was so cheesy, but that the only answer I could came up with).

Anyway, marriage services are offered by the Imam in most of the mosques over there. If it’s very difficult for you to find one, go to the one of the Muslim restaurant in Hadyai, and they will be more than willing to show you the way. Bring your passport with you. Witnesses? Don’t worry, they will be provided. Language barrier? No problem, some of them can speak Malay which is similar to Kelantanese accent.

From syara’ point of view, what you are doing is legal in Islam. I wont discuss much about this but that’s the basic thing. Mosques in Thailand fall under purview of a Provincial Islamic Authority, so the marriage cert and the marriage itself is legal and binding.

What do you do after that?

Go to Perlis. Register your marriage there. Why Perlis? The Islamic Family Law is quite lenient there compared to other states. There will be a fine imposed because you get married outside your Mukim. I maybe wrong but I think its about RM 1,000.00. Be advised, this is a very important step. You have to register your marriage in Malaysia. Otherwise all legal implication for matters like when you have children and pembahagian harta (to name a few) will be an issue afterwards. But once you register, your marriage will be recognized in Malaysia.

You will then live happily ever after………..or not.

To be continued….

* Balik Kampung - going back home

* Makcik - Auntie (Malaysians address people older than they are in respectful way, like mak cik - auntie, pak cik - uncle even if they dont have any blood relations)

* merenangi lautan api - to swim in a sea of fire (methapor)

* pembahagian harta - division of property

CATCHING UP WITH MALAYSIA

Today completes a full 8 months since I moved back to Malaysia. I was abroad for 11 years since 1995.

When I first left Malaysia, the International Airport is still in Subang. I was pleasantly surprised (and confused) when I got back to this huge, majestic airport in KLIA. Of coursela I knew we have a new International Airport but to experience it myself for the first time is a different feeling all together.

Roti canai, nasi lemak and Nescafe tarik is the first thing I looked for when I arrived in my sister’s house. She was annoyed when I asked her husband to drive me to the nearest group of stalls instead of having breakfast with my family. “Oi, having breakfast outside is more important than your sister’s cooking, ha?" I replied. “Sorry sis, I just have to eat outside,…………. but I love you”. And off we went leaving her fuming mad.

I missed a lot of things that happened while I was away. Apart from family’s gathering and kenduri’s, I missed the heavy drama of Malaysian politics, KL’s crazy traffic jam and a whole lot of other things that I took for granted before.

I opened the car door on the left side, my father yelled “Woit, hang nak mampuih ka?” when I drove my car on the wrong side of the road, my mother let me have an earful when I said “Shit!” cursing the neighbors’ cat who did the digging thing in our front yard. Next, I got lost for 2 hours while searching for my office in the new township the day I reported for duty. (In my defence, it was in a totally different city when I left Malaysia back in 1995). The most bizarre thing was that I ended up in Kampung Pandan instead, when I thought I was aiming for Subang Jaya. (Don’t ask me how it happened).

Trust me, there has been a lot of changes in Malaysia.

And I still have a lot to catch up.

*Roti canai, nasi lemak and nescafe tarik - Just google it lah.

" Woit, hang nak mampuih ka?" - Do you want to die?

TV TIME

Newsflash

Akula is taking a break to watch Heroes and Grey's Anatomy tonight. He will be back to his usual observing self after absorbing all the emotional feelings emitted by the two tv series.

UPDATE ON DINA ZAMAN'S I AM MUSLIM 2 PROJECT

Be warned, this is a bragging entry.

My article was published in the I Am Muslim 2 blog today. That's 2, I repeat, 2 articles accepted in the project. (Muahaha).

I am still trying to find time to meet Dina. No, not to thank her.

It will be a negotiation on the payment thing. :)

OF TV AD

How do I rate a succesful TV ad? Simple, an ad that have a catchy product name, that I hate so much and the one that can relate to my life.

I hate Bank Rakyat's tv ad. For a start, whenever I watch it, I feel like watching a propaganda programme, trying to brainwash me with the muhibbah feeling. All major Malaysian races are well represented, customers have no complains and the counter is manned by a well mannered man. He ducks under the counter and change his clothes at will according to the customer's race. At end of the ad, everyone is satisfied and will say good things about the bank. The current ad actually is a continuity of the previous version which ends with the lady with the scarves approached the counter, but this time she brings her government servant brother to apply for a loan. And say good things about the bank, again. Cheesy.

Mat Licin reminds me of the time when I was in boarding school. Maggie Mee is the staple food of the day. We were a bunch of hungry boys and between strictly scheduled meal times, turned to instant noodles to satisfy our ever growling appetite. Since we were barred from using pot and pans, we resorted to using those heating coil to boil water in a plastic container. Incidents like melted plastic container with red hot steel coil were common, but thats another story. Anyway back to Maggie Mee. Of course, after watching that ad, I did realized I am special too and hope to be formally endorsed and recognised by Maggie for being one of the Mat Licin, way back when eating Maggie was not cool.

On top of my list, the most succesful TV ad is the baby diapers product called PetPet. When you say PetPet out loud, it sounds just like one of many subtitute words we use to name woman's private part.

If that is not one hell of a good advertisement, I dont know what is.

*muhibbah - goodwill/ friendly feeling

Mat Licin - one who finish off everything when eating

TEH TARIK SESSION IN SESSION 2

A good friend, ABH is getting married. He's engaged and by June he will be a married man. He called me just now and told me he need to see me. Right away. "Its urgent, Are you up to a teh tarik session?" he said. "Okay, I'll be there". I replied.

This is what he told me. (He's a government servant BTW). His fiance told him that her family had a discussion about the wedding arrangement over dinner. Watching the news, the father passed a remark to her "Eh, Government servant got their pay increase today, maybe you could ask him (ABH) to make the wedding a little bigger?. After all its once in a life time, you know."

Her fiance, according to ABH tried not to say anything, but her mother joined in. "Ya la, ABH can afford this now with the increment. I don't want to say anything before, since you know la, Government servant's salary is so small. I don't have the heart to ask him for bigger wedding, but now, I am sure he can afford it, its a big pay hike. Ask him okay, dear".

ABH, scratched his head, put both his hands under his chin and said. "I am a dead man. You know, actually its not that much. 35% from RM 832 is what? Its just an increase of RM 292.00. Okay, plus COLA RM 150.00 to RM 300.00. All in 392.00 and they expect me to have a bigger wedding? And no arrears this time around. The new salary will be only be paid in July. After 15 years, a raise of RM 292.00. I don't know what to do now."

I could understand his situation. Well, that's the mentality of some Malaysians, sadly. I know that ABH and his fiance save their income like crazy, (both work as clerks in the public service). On top of that, there is the hantaran, which was set at RM 5,000.00. And on top of that they got to think about the kenduri expenses. That doesn't include all the small and unaccounted expenses.

"Call it off then". I said. (Me and my unorthodox solution). "Are you crazy, man? The wedding is just a few weeks away." He looked at me as if I just asked him to kill himself.

"No I am not crazy, in fact its a great idea. Just go and meet the father, and tell him politely that you don't have anymore money for the wedding. Explain to him like you did to me about the salary increase. And blackmail him, if he insist to have a bigger wedding, you just have to call it off" I said. "But all the invitation has been sent out, preparations were made". He argued with me. "Exactly. See, you forget one thing about being a Malay. Do you honestly think the father really want to cancel the wedding after everybody in the kampung knows about it? That is air muka, man. I bet you the father wouldn't want that to happen to his family and his daughter." ABH didn't say anything and I left him alone to think.

I don't know what will he do. But it really makes me think about how materialistic the world we live in, right now.

With that kind of salary? Its not living life. Its surviving it.

*COLA - Cost of living allowance (an allowance given to civil servant to off set high cost of living)

hantaran - dowry (given by man to woman as monetary gift according to Malay custom)

kenduri - feast

kampung - village

air muka - honor/ saving face ?

MALAYSIA BOOK OF RECORDS

It was reported today in BERNAMA, the Minister Of Sports and Youth will be entered as the first Malaysian Cabinet Minister and the first female Minister in the Malaysia Book of Records to visit Everest's base camp.

Well, lets start the ball rolling. Tun Mahathir as the first PM of Malaysia who set foot in Antartica, or we can go further than that, Tun Abdul Razak as the first PM of Malaysia to visit the Great Wall of China. Oooops, I forgot to mentioned that Tun Dr. Siti Hasmah as the first Malaysian PM's wife to visit Antartica. It will be a long list.

Which prompt me to google Malaysia Book of Records. Other entries worth (or not!) mentioning are The Highest Can Stacking Events, The Biggest Teh Tarik Event, First Visa Platinum Card (wtf!) and First LRT Treasure Hunt (wtf2!).

Hey, can I submit my grandmother's gobek sirih? It can be billed as the most abuse gobek sirih ever.

Come to think of it, I am sure there's lot of would be contenders in this particular category.

* gobek sirih- a cylindrical instrument used to grind betel leaves

OF CHELSEA AND MANCHESTER UNITED

MR DF :"Hello Akula! WAKE UP"

Akula :"Huh, what?"

Looked at my watch. Still too early.

MR DF :"We won man, we won!"

Akula :" Okay, .....Who did?" .

MR DF :" Chelsea la"

Akula : "Okay, but you know I dont care, right?".

Mr. DF:" Just want to piss you off".

Clicked.

Damned!

I can only guess what Mr. DF is up to now. Probably calling every name in his hand phone's address book, repeating what he said to me just now. For sure he is somewhere in one of those 24 hours makan place celebrating, reminiscing and reliving every second of the game.

I don't have any issues at all with who won the FA Cup Final. I am not a football fan. And I know that Mr. DF is sharing his excitement with me although he knows that I am not into football. And I know that tomorrow he will called me again and apologised for waking me up. He will say sorry.

And I will say "This is your time man, go ahead, have your fun, enjoy it. Come Rugby World Cup this September, I'll give you hell and make you pay for every second you made my life miserable"

Really can't wait.

ALL BLACKS FOREVER!

*makan - eating

I SOLD OUT !

I admit that I am weak and so I sold out. Muahahaaha (evil laugh).

THE MALAYSIAN CONNECTION

In my line of work, occasionally, I have to deal with the public. I enjoy the interaction and will do my best to accomodate them. What I cant stand is those people whom I categorized as the people with the `Malaysian Connections'.

These people will spit out names like water rushing from their mouth of their connection before anything else. Which of course, will be a high ranking officials or a politicians. Dato' this, Tan Sri that. "I know Tan Sri (name censored)". They said. "Yeah sure, but you know what, I also know him. In fact who didnt?" I shot back. I dont want to be rude, but sometimes, I had enough of that shit.

One guy even threathened me by saying he will asked his friend (a Dato' of course) to complain about me in the Parliament. Sheesh!. I dared him back. "Please asked your Dato' to expedite your complain. Get this right, my name is Akula, and my IC number is 123456-78-9101. Oh, and I think you do need my address". Needless to say, he backed off.

I appreciate the fact that Malaysians are very proud if they know somebody in high places. I can also understand them, if they brag about their connections. Its human nature to brag, and I am cool with that.

But using those connection to gain favour or to push your way through? Come on.

Do me a favour. Stand up with your own merits. Because in my book, those people with their `Malaysian Connections' attitude have very low self esteem and are truly lacking in self confidence.

I am just doing my job.

IMAGINE ( ODE TO THE STUPIDS! )

Imagine if you say something stupid.

Imagine your mother, who gave birth and care for you, have to defend you for being stupid, just because you are her son.

Imagine your wife, assuring herself and stays by your side, even if you are stupid.

Imagine your daughter, upon hearing your stupid remarks, feel ashamed and regret of having a moron as her father.

Imagine you, after feeling stupid for saying the stupid remarks, suddenly realized your mother, your wife and your daughter bocor too once a month!

*bocor - leak (but in this case its a metaphor for menstruate)

Link to bocor story

DOWNTOWN KLIA

I came across this small `pekan' Downtown KLIA on my way to Bagan Lalang, Selangor, last Saturday. I never knew this place ever existed. It reminds me of the old two rows shophouses if you drive to the North using the old road.

Imagine if you were to send a letter to somebody there.

To : Mr. Dude, Downtown KLIA, KLIA, off Road To F1 Track, Sepang, Malaysia.

That's one cool address to have.

TODAY IS MAY 13TH

Growing up, I never gave a thought about discrimination.

When I was in high school, after SPM’s results were announced, those of us Malay boys with good results, excitedly discussed about going to the University and which scholarship to apply. Not my Chinese friend. I asked him “Where you think you’ll go man?”. He just smiled and told me “I’m going to take up Form Six, and start from there”. I ignorantly asked “Why you want to go for Form Six? Your results are excellent. You even managed to get high grade in Pengetahuan Agama Islam (Islamic Education) and you don’t want to apply for University and get the scholarships? What is wrong with you?”. He said “I am not a Bumiputera, only Bumiputera will be considered man”.

After college, searching for jobs, I found an advertisement which I met all the requirements except the ability of speaking any Chinese dialects which is one of the requirement. I applied for the job anyway and manage to get an interview with the company. At the end of the interview session one of panel member told me “I am sorry, you have all the qualification we need, but unfortunately you cannot speak a single Chinese dialect. You didn’t get the job.” I pointed the obvious to them and said “You were conducting the interview in English and I think the job doesn’t require the skills of speaking Chinese ”. He just shrugged his shoulders and blurted out “ Sorry, you are not Chinese”.

In Malaysia we have sugar coated phrases like ‘preferential treatment’ and `affirmative action’ of a certain race. The truth is these things are so embedded in our society that we usually do not regard such policies and remarks as discrimination and offensive.

It could lead to outright racism if we as Malaysians continue to ignore it.

THE ADDICTION

So, there I was. Nervously looked around me. Damm it,Where is he?. Earlier I received a phone call to inform me that he got what I want, as usual, and asked me to meet at the secret meeting place.

"This is not like him at all". He's late. I was getting really uneasy. I searched my thoughts and tried to remember the last meeting. Everything went smoothly. I checked my tails to see if there’s anyone following me. He did the same thing too before the meeting and reported everything is clear. No, nothing wrong last week, I assure myself.

Where the hell is he? 15 minutes has passed. Still no sign of him. Yesterday it was reported in the newspaper that the authority had raid 2 hideouts and successfully confiscated a huge amount of this thing that I desperately need. I wonder if that’s the reason why he doesn’t show up….. yet. Maybe he got his supply from these places and now he has none to sell to me. Worse still, maybe he’s been caught. If that happened, can he keep his mouth shut? I heard a lot of stories how the authority can make you reveal information. They used all sorts of torture treatment to get what they want. If he talked, then I am in deep shit.

I need to have this once a week. I am hooked on it. I guess that makes me an addict. I know its illegal but my craving need is so huge that I am willing to defy the law and the authority to satisfy myself. I’ll be restless and out of my mind if I don’t get it.

Suddenly I saw him. He was walking slowly and cautiously. Act normal, just act normal. Blend in. I willed him. I flashed my car lights twice. He pulled out a cigarette and light it. I watched him carefully. If he throws away his cigarette immediately after lighting it, it means somebody is following him and we should abandon our meeting. I saw him finished his cigarettes. I started my car, drove slowly and stop by him. Opened my window. Do you have it? Without saying anything he throws it into my front seat. I hand over the money and acting normally as we could, trying not to look suspicious, we parted ways.

I arrived safely in my house without any incident. I started to relax. I let my living room stay dark. I waited too long for this. Switch on my TV, took it out from the plastic cover and slide it into my DVD player.

“Thank God nothing happened.” I said to myself as I watched the television came to life with the illegal DVD of SPIDERMAN 3. I breathed out a huge sigh of relief, smiled and said to myself “Finally….”.

LEARNING NEW THINGS

I read about what happen to the astronaut’s feces that they disposed of during space missions. Apparently they brought it back to earth to be unloaded. Imagine what will happen if an ignorant NASA scientist mistakenly identify it to be some sort of moon soil to be studied.

Nasa Scientist : Never seen this one before. (Excitedly!)
Astronaut : Feel it. It’s soft but a little sticky.
Nasa Scientist : Yeah man, you’re right. (Poking his hand into the pile). I’ll be famous if I could break it down and identify the chemical composition of this moon soil.
Astronaut : That’s my shit you stupid!

What about the urine? Well, they released it in space. Good thing there are not many space missions nowadays like it were before. One thing that I am not sure of is whether urine dissolves in space. Otherwise, it will be flooded with urine drops up there.

I also found out that oral sex is bad for you. Something to do with HPV virus contracted during oral sex can cause throat cancer. (HPV- Sorry, I am too lazy to Google it)

*Sigh*. What else are left for us to do? I couldn't help but think, what’s the fun of having sex nowadays? With new finding like this, a day will come when we will resort to satisfy our sexual needs by wanking and using vibrators.

Source: BBC News Online

THE LOVIN' FEELING (WAY TO GO DUDE!)

Excerpt from The Star, 9 May 2007.

KUALA LUMPUR: He is a 97-year-old man who cannot hear very well and has lost almost all his teeth and hair, but he believes he still has the lovin’ feeling.

Retiree Yong Chai Keng feels that he can provide happiness to a 38-year-old widow he has never met before.

Yesterday, he proposed to her publicly.

Yong took a bus from Raub, Pahang, to Kuala Lumpur and met MCA Public Services and Complaints Department head Datuk Michael Chong to tell him of his intention.

“The first time he came, we turned him away, thinking he was joking. But he returned in the afternoon and a few days later.

“Personally, I do not think it is a good match, but since he sought my help, I am obligated to assist,” Chong told reporters yesterday.

The woman whom Yong fancies is Tan Yi Huan, a widow from Perak with two children aged eight and three. Tan appeared in a Chinese newspaper last August to highlight her financial plight after her husband died.

She is reportedly staying with her sister in Puchong.

Yesterday, reporters asked Yong what he could offer Tan to give her happiness. The reporter had to shout the question near his ear because he could not hear very well.

“I have my own house and rubber plantation. But the plantation belongs to my brother. I just want a fan poh (woman) to keep me company after my wife died last year,” said Yong.

His late wife died after suffering a stroke years ago. She was in her 80s.

Yong has written a letter to Tan saying that he loved her and if she wanted to contact him, she could call his daughter’s house in Kuala Lumpur.

THE `LOVIN' FEELIN' DUDE HOLDING A PHOTO OF HIS LOVE

Note : Akula admires The Dude's spirit, effort and resourcefulness in his quest for love. Akula wish him all the best and sincerely hope The Dude's lady embrace his love with open arms. Akula also think that The Dude is DA MAN.

VAMPIRES

About vampires.

I love Chinese vampires. Funny looking. Arms stretched. And their mode of moving from point A to point B is hopping. Man... can they hop. But hold your breath and they cant detect you.

The old school vampire is a handsome, lustful, always wear an overcoat. Can't decide whether he need it to warm himself (well, he's dead anyway. He doesn't need to keep warm!) or just to look good.

Blade is a tough, ass kicking martial arts vampire and guess what. He can walk in the sun without turning to dust. Just like me ( I mean, the-walking-in-the-sun-without-turning-to-dust thing).

I have to admit that of all the vampires, I love Kate Beckinsale the most. Great figure. Piercing eyes and God! Those skin tight leather. She can have me for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks in between and do it all over again the next day anytime :).

PHOTOBLOG

Added another link. A collection of pictures that I took. Sorry to disappoint you guys. No naked Paris Hilton in jail photo. Check it out.

OF PROSTITUTES AND PROSTITUTION

As practicing Muslims, who honour all our obligation, and performed all the ibadat rituals day after day without fail, what is our first impression of a prostitute?

I posed this question to almost everybody that I know, colleague in my office, friends in teh tarik sessions, futsal team mates, religious teachers, Internet Islamic preachers and anyone I could think of.

Almost everybody told me without even blinking their eyes, prostitutes are sinful person; not afraid to incur God’s wrath; tak de kerja lain ke?, for sure a hell’s candidate; they sold their body for money; all sort of negative remarks as if they are talking about the devil himself.

I posed the next questions. "Have you ever met one? Been talking to them lately?" Their answers; Uh, no, I stayed away from them; Wouldn’t even dream of talking to them; what are you talking about, they are prostitutes for God’s sake; and the best answer of them all; “Where to find one, ah?” With eyes looking at me top to bottom as if I am Mr. Pimp himself. (I assure you that I am not).

The thing is, with prostitutes, who in their right mind wants to be one? Or were they, when asked about their ambitions by their primary school teacher, answered dreamily, when I grow up, I want to be a prostitute, Sir.

Some years back, when I was working abroad, I had an opportunity of meeting them through a good friend of mine, a Catholic priest, who runs a programme to educate former prostitute. Meeting them was an eye opener. I found them to be intelligent, brave and full of determination.

I am not trying to champion them or condone their activities. What I am trying to do, is to understand the reason why they did it. Some of them told me, they came from poverty stricken family, since their parents cannot afford to send them to school, this is what they end up doing, to earn income and financially support their parents, brothers and sisters. One of them asked me, “Do you think that I want to do this, sleeping with man everyday? I am helping my family back home, and if God wants to punish me for that, so be it. At least my family is well fed”. Another told me she was cheated into it by her uncle, and she was sold to a man who owns a brothel. She escaped and went to the police, and her family disowned her for being a prostitute rather than helping her to come back to her previous life. Feeling dejected and lost, she turns to the only thing she knew. “But this time,” she said, “its my own willing choice”.

I asked myself, why in Malaysia, nothing has been done to address this social issue? Of course, the newspaper always reported successful operations and raid by the authorities, but one glaring fact is the sometimes missing information on how many of them are locals, and always the numbers being detained are foreigners. It seems that there are no local prostitutes in Malaysia. I don’t buy that. Go to any establishment which offered massage services and you can easily engaged/ find one.

I agree, what they did is sinful. No doubt about that. But we should not judge them negatively just because that is what our community’s general view of prostitution. I asked a religious teacher, “What is Islam answer to prostitution and how to eradicate it?” I was not surprised when he went overboard with his reply, saying again and again that prostitution is sinful, haram plus the usual prostitute demonizing speech. I rephrased my question. “What if your relatives, or God forbid, your children is actively involved in vice, what would you do?” He sarcastically remarks. “Son, I am from a good family, there is no way that will happen” Seeing him still missing the point, I gave up my conversation with him.

I cannot help but wonder about our Muslim preachers. Who are their target groups? I am confident that a brothel’s Mamasan and her personnel will never make it to their list. A group of them came to my area a few months ago. They were soft spoken and polite. I asked them, “Where else have you been?” They replied “We went to this masjid, stayed in this kampong, a round trip to this place, you know.” I continued, “Did you do da’wah to drug addicts, prostitutes, Mat Rempits and the likes?” My question is met with a blank stare at first, but someone on the group offered an answer. “Encik”, with a smirk and a smart ass look on his face, “You cannot find them in the mosques and suraus.” I replied “EXACTLY.” and walk away.

I am a believer in second chances. I do wish our Muslim community, instead of forever chastising prostitutes and slap a negative label on them, we should at least engage and encourage them to leave their world. The sad thing is, no one wants to admit it as an existing social problem here in Malaysia other than treating it as a punishable crime under our laws. We don’t want to go deeper than that.

It a sad fact, but I do wish however that one day, a group of prostitute will be given the chance to jump over the North Pole like those former Mat Rempits.

THE DAY I GOT FLIPPED!

How do you feel if you were flipped? Sorry, Let me rephrase that.
How do you feel if you were flipped by a woman? Hmmm... Let me rephrase that again.
How do you feel if you were flipped by 2 tudung clad woman in a day?

Yeah, you read it right. The standard, middle finger salute, universal sign of saying "F**k you!" without saying it out loud.

Man, I didnt do anything wrong at all. Not this time anyway.

FLIP NO 1

After lunch. At the parking lot in the mall. Its over crowded. Walking to my car, saw a Myvi with engine running. Dont give it much thought. Got in, and started the engine. Notice that its raining outside. Had to fetch the umbrella in the car boot. Got out of the car. Looked at the Myvi, the tudung clad woman looks furious. I thought, maybe she got pissed off waiting for her friend. Took the umbrella, got into the car again. Started reversing the car, have to wriggle my way out since the parking space is so small. Dont want to scratch the car parked beside me. Saw Myvi lady flashing her lights in my rearview mirror. What now? Ignoring her, I reversed my car. Once I am cleared, at that very moment, the Myvi burst to life, cranking up its engine and shot passed me into the empty lot. With screeching noise. What the ......? The tudung clad lady slammed her door, walk passed and flipped her middle finger. Whats that all about?. I was too amused to say anything back or reciprocate her gesture.

FLIP NO 2

After office. Driving back to my place. The road is clear. Approached a junction and flicked the signal to go right. Out of the blue a white Kancil overtook me on the leftside, sped and cut in front of me, crossing over going to the left. Slammed the brake so hard, I felt the seatbelt strained to keep me in the seat. Turned my head, shouting my list of favourite obscene word and found my eyes staring at a middle finger salute by a baju kurung, mini tudung wearing girl. She flipped me.

What's happening here? Was today somehow, tudung clad ladies cooked up a conspiracy among them and decided "Okay girls, today we are going to flip Akula. So you girls watched him, trailed him, make him mad and then give him the middle finger salute". I AM NOT THAT FAMOUS, OKAY!

Enough is enough. I cant take this anymore. So on instinct I followed the Kancil. Saw it parked in front of the mosque. Switch on my amp, pop in an Iron Maiden CD, cranked up the volume. Stop by the baju kurung, mini tudung wearing girl (could see her getting panic), slide my window down and to the loud, unforgiving tune of Iron Maiden's Bring Me Your Daughter To The Slaughter yelled, "F**k you too, asshole!" and drove away.

In retrospect, allow me to say this, I am not generalising. Dont have anything against women who wear tudung. Really. I respect their choice in fulfilling their obligation as a Muslim.

To the 2 girls above, fine, you got my attention. I am all for `the anything you can do I can do better' attitude but please do not flip your middle finger to anyone else. You might think its cool and hip but really, its buruk man.

I plead temporary insanity to the incident in front of the mosque.

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THIS

SOMETIME IN THE NIGHT

“Hello Akula, WOI! AKULA!, Its me, Rudi. Are you awake?” Looked at my watch , 3.23 am. Answered the phone: “Huarghhhh….. who’s this?” Feeling groggy, try to keep myself awake. (Rudi is a good friend in London) Hmm okay. Fearing the worse. “What’s the matter man?” I asked him. “Nothing, I just got myself Dina Zaman’s I Am Muslim. Do you know your name is mentioned in her book?” Still trying to make sense of it all, I said “Yeah? Uh okay”. He continued “Okay, just to let you know. Now go back to sleep”. Umm. What? “Is that it, man? Your family’s ok over there?”. Rudi said “Yeap, Sure they are. That’s it.” Click.

Cant sleep after that. And its not because I am excited my name is in Dina Zaman’s book. I am of the species who cannot go back to sleep right away, after being brutally awaken in the middle of the night. Pulling myself together, sum up the conversation. Rudi called me in the dead of night, all the way from London, to inform me that my name was typed somewhere in Dina Zaman’s I Am Muslim. And there’s nothing wrong with his family. I sighed. What a friend. Love him to death.

LUNCH HOUR, YESTERDAY

Wari. Another good friend of mine.

Wari: “Hello beb”.
Akula: “What’s up?”.
Wari: “In case you don’t know it already, your name is in I Am Muslim’s by Dina Zaman.
Akula: “Yeah, another friend of mine informed me last night. Called from London”.
Wari: “How the hell he got it over there.”
Akula : “Good question, I really don’t know. Its about 3.am when he called me. Half awake at that time. Forgot to ask him”.
Wari: “ Listen. Do you have a copy of the book?”
Akula: “ No, not yet.”
Wari: “Okay, you can borrow mine if you want.”
Akula : “Its cool man, I asked another friend to buy it for me.”
Wari : “Ok beb. Bye”.
Akula : “Uh ok”.

THIS MORNING

At the office. Saw Adi, strutting, holding something in his hand. “Akula, you owe me RM 30.00” and hand over Dina Zaman’s elusive book. “FYI, You made me do this. My wife keep teasing me and cant believe her husband's buying a book!. You owe me big time, bro”

Finding out my name mentioned in a book obviously is a big thing to my friends.

I am deeply touched and truly blessed.

BTW, its on page 8.

SCAMS

THE ANTI MOSQUITOES SQUAD

I was washing my car when a man, in his early twenties approached me. Looked up and studied him. He has an ID tag hanging of his pocket, white "office look" shirt and black "office look pants". No neckties. Carrying a folder of some sort. Damned! I thought. A salesman. What now?

The office look guy : "Encik, I am from company so and so, and we have been contracted to spray anti mosquito chemical here in this area".

Akula : "Yeah, so?"

The office look guy : " The cost is RM 30.00. Its compulsory. Its to kill mosquitoes"

I said nothing at first, and observed the other houses in my row. I know there are at least 3 or 4 houses which is vacant.

Akula : "Tell me, what about those empty houses, will you spray there too?"

The office look guy : "Of course not, nobody there to pay and I am sorry to say, if you dont pay, we wont do your house either" With a bored face.

Akula : "And this is to kill mosquitoes, right?"

The office look guy : "Of course, I 've told you that before". He's getting irritated.

Akula : "Ok , let me see the letter from the Municipality saying you have been contracted to do this."

The office look guy:"We dont have any such letter, but your house must be sprayed."

Akula : "It doesnt matter anyway, if I pay you, mosquitoes will still breed in those empty houses area."

I fixed my eyes, glaring at his face and in a slow, clear voice, I explained to him like I would to a 7 year old.

Akula : "You see, mosquitoes breed where ever they want. They dont need to know if I paid for your service and they won't go around knocking people's door asking questions. They will not say, show me the receipts so that we won't lay eggs at your house. Further more, I can just spray Ridsects or Shelltox in my house. Which one do you reccommend?"

The office look guy doesn't say anything else and walk away.

THE CREDIT CARD VERIFIER

I just received my new credit card.

Ring, ring. (Well, not exactly, my handphone plays Sanitarium - Metallica when it rings). Hmm..private number.

Akula : "Yep, Hellowp!"

The sweet voice lady : "Sir, are you Mr. Akula?"

Akula : "Yeah, who's asking"

The sweet voice lady: "I am from a credit card verification company and we wish to ask you to verify a credit card you recently received. I have your credit card number here with me but can you recite it to me to make sure it matched with what I have. I also need to match the last 3 digits at the back of you credit card."

I noticed that she did not mention her name.

Akula : "No I cannot do that."

The sweet voice lady : "Its really important Mr. Akula. Otherwise you cannot use your credit card."

Akula : "Sorry babe, BTW, I just want to make sure, you know, I just move back here from overseas. I dont know how you do things like this over here . Do you have a credit card?"

The sweet voice lady: "Sure, I have one"

Akula: "Did you go through the same process? Unkown people call you to verify and you gave your credit card number"

The sweet voice lady : "Of course I did that". Sense a proud-I-am-smart tone in her voice.

Akula : "Then you must be so f***king stupid. You bitch!"

She hang up on me.

I still sprayed Ridsects (sorry Shelltox) in my house. No Denggi outbreak yet in my area.

And I have no problem at all whenever I use my credit card.

PROMOTING DINA ZAMAN'S I AM MUSLIM 2

I am not promoting Dina Zaman's new book I Am Muslim. No. Period. I am sure enough efforts, money and personal appearances by Dina herself have been made to do that. And I have never met her except through a few correspondences via emails.

However, I like the idea of her on going project which is to get a book publish written by you guys. The concepts and how to are define clearly in her blog I Am Muslim and I will not get into the details here. (Don't want to steal her thunder la).

When she was in malaysiakini, I had this bugging thought which I need to clear out of my head. So I wrote an article and send it to Dina's column. And she published it. I am telling you, for the whole month I felt like being on the top of the world. Nothing like getting your work published. And the best thing was, it invokes debates. Loved it.

So you guys, have a go at it. If you can talk, you definitely can write. It's just a matter of instead using your mouth, you used your hands. Your brain will still process the same output. Oh... and whatever Dina mentioned in her blog, about the need of using correct grammars, don't pay any attention to it. That is exactly why she has editors to rectify your grammar mistakes. :) On a serious note, from my personal experiences, if you worry about grammatical mistakes, it will stump the idea flows. And you'll get irritate, then you'll get mad. The same thing when you are eating. The uninterrupted process of using your hand to grab the nasik lemak, mixing it with sambal sotong and finally shoving it to your mouth is really important. Imagine while you are doing that, someone slap you at the back. All hell will break loose, right? That is what worrying about grammatical mistakes will do to your idea flow. You can correct your mistakes later, or just let Dina and her gang of editors do it for you. If you are already excellent, then the above advice is obviously not for you. Hehe.

I apologised for the preaching. I am still learning too, but what the hell, you'll never know if you don't try.

As for me, yes, I will contribute a piece of my opinion later, once I renegotiate the payment thing. :)

And Dina, if you read this, open table la. I hauled my ass off all over KL to buy your book, but at the end, still no book. Sold out. What la you.....kedekut ah?